Companies like Justicia and Intertel can run a detailed background check on your new man for between R300 and R3 500. But is it really a good idea to spy on a boyfriend?
Finding a decent man is hard enough, but finding a good guy who’s 100 percent honest about his past may seem impossible. On the surface, he might tick all your boxes, but in reality he could already be married, have children or, even worse, have a criminal record. Take Minky*, 26, a Joburg-based sales consultant, for example. When she met Scott, 34, she thought he was the man of her dreams. After a year of dating, he told her his company was moving him to Dubai. He asked her if she’d relocate with him, so they could start a new life together in the Middle East. When she agreed, he popped the question. “A week after he proposed, I got a call from him saying that he was in hospital after he crashed his motorbike on the highway,” Minky tells us. “I begged him to tell me which hospital he was in, so I could visit him. He said he didn’t want me to see him like that and asked me not to visit. The following week he said he’d been released but that he was in the Free State with family as his father had just passed away. That’s when I started getting suspicious.”
According to Minky, Scott had never introduced her to his friends or family.So she decided to Facebook-stalk a few of his mates and asked one where his family home in the Free State was so that she could send flowers to give her condolences. “When the friend replied, my blood ran cold. Not only was Scott’s father very much alive, but I learnt that he was never in an accident,” says Minky. Instead, Scott had been lying to her throughout their relationship. He was a married father of one, and his wife was pregnant with the couple’s second child. “He lied to me to get me to move to Dubai with him,” she tells us. “The position was semi-permanent, so he’d be in the UAE for one half of the year and live in SA the other half. He was setting me up to be his ‘second wife’, so neither me nor his wife would ever know about each other.” Sadly, Minky isn’t alone when it comes to being deceived by a partner. A recent study discovered that 33 percent of men lie about their past to their partners. Thirty-seven percent of women in the US recently admitted to secretly looking into their partner’s backgrounds, with one in ten admitting that they found something suspicious when they did.
In South Africa, there are various organisations that offer background checks to see if your partner is being completely honest with you. “When a person approaches us to run a background check on a new partner, they commonly ask us to check a variety of factors,” says Michael Stirling, a private investigator for Intertel (Intertel.co.za). “Firstly, are they who they claim to be? We look into the person’s true identity, their date and place of birth, age, nationality, residency status and address history.” Michael says they then look into whether or not that person is married, divorced (if so, what the circumstances were) and if they have children. If they do, they also check the custody arrangements.
“We also see if they have a history of criminal activity or inappropriate behaviour or actions that have given rise to criminal, civil, labour or family court proceedings,” Michael explains. “If need be, we could also investigate to see if they’re employed with a regular income, what their employment history is, if they are heavily indebted and if they’ve ever been insolvent or blacklisted.” For a comprehensive background check, Michael says it would cost you roughly R3 500, and you could get the results in less than a week. If you’re really suspicious of your partner and want to take things a step further, Alan Carey, director of Justicia Investigations (Justicia.co.za), says you can also conduct a polygraph test. “The polygraph examination can also detect whether the person has any addictions such as gambling, drugs or alcohol, which your normal criminal check won’t detect,” Alan tells us. “However, the polygraph requires the person being examined to give consent. The cost of a polygraph varies from R600 to R1 000 depending onthe circumstances.” Running checks could have saved Minky a lot of heartache, but experts say her situation is extreme. So how do you differentiate between being genuinely concerned about your new partner and just being insecure? Stephanie Dawson-Cosser, a relationship coach for Work & Family Matter Coaching and Consulting (Workfamilymatters.co.za) tells us,“If you feel adamant about doing a background check, start by looking at your relationship history as there would be signs. For example, if he has financial issues there would be debates around money, and his spending habits would also not be what’s considered normal. A criminal record is worth checking, but again, if honesty and transparency are a problem in other areas, there will be clues not adding up.”
Trust is a hard thing to earn in a relationship. So, if you feel the need to run a background check on your new man, we have to wonder if you should tell him about it first, else you too could run the risk of being deceitful. Stephanie says, “If you check him out and you find something, you’re probably going to end the relationship. And if you tell him and there is nothing to find, he will probably end the relationship because of your lack of trust. You should follow your own intuition, but be prepared to lose the relationship either way.”
So is it really worth spying on a newman? Stephanie says that if you’re planning on getting serious with him and are worried about his past, rather be upfront about your concerns and speak to him directly. If he’s not prepared to lay bare his background, and the idea ofdoing a background check still appeals to you, she suggests that you kick him to the kerb.
Is he lying About HisBackground?
Stephanie shares a few of the warning signs that indicate your new man isn’t being 100 percent honest with you:✱He never wants to pay his way or pay for outings or entertainment, and when he does, he always uses cash (so transactions don’t show up on a bank statement).
✱He has unpaid bills, credit providers calling for payment or cards being rejected.
✱He often reneges on plans, promises or commitments.
✱He doesn’t pick up the landline at his professed place of work.
✱He’s not prepared to take you to his house.
✱He avoids seeing you or taking your calls at a particular time of day or night for no obvious reason.
✱He’s not prepared to introduce you to his family and friends.